On Hearts
by Cy Fur
Summary: Xion knows that she is one who is three who is one. Written for 30 lemons, Axel/Xion, AU. May contain vague spoilers for 358/2 Days. May have triggers for abuse, self injury. Very, very dark.


**I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any characters thereof, and will not be making any money off of them.**

"Nononono, see, it's true, right?" Xion is pacing her hospital room, her hands (attached to her bandaged arms), moving animatedly. "See-see-see, it isn't there. I _know _it isn't there, 'cause if it was there I would know, see?" She stops pacing in front of the intern, who is looking at her skeptically. "And-and-and, see, it can come back to me sometimes, only it has to be called and the only thing that'll call it is blood, 'cause blood is the only thing that it knows 'cause it's all it's made of." She goes back to pacing, her bare feet slapping on the floor. "And-and-and, see, the doctors have it, and they're keeping it in this special little boxjarbag, to keep me from it, and they only give it back to me whenever they try to listen to it, but once they leave, it's gone again!"

"I see…" Axel watches her pace, then takes her by the wrist and gently squeezes it when her nervous little hands go to her wrists. "Don't pick your bandages, baby." He strokes the top of her hand with his thumb, gently, and tugs her closer. "You don't wanna be put in restraints again, do you?"

"I want my heart back!" Xion squalls, trying to squirm free and beating her hands on his chest. "I want it I want it I want it! I want my otherselves back, and I wanna be not-forgotten and I want my heart back!" She's screaming now, screaming like a banshee. "I want it back I want it back I want it BACK!" She claws at her arms, yanking the bandages off and scratching at the scabs, until the blood wells up. "See, it's back!" Her voice is fully of delight. "It's backbackback, see-see-see?" She presses his hand against her breast, to feel her little heart jack hammering under her skin, like a little bird trapped in a cage.

Axel sighs, thumbing her nipple. "You're being a bad girl, Xion," he says, and lifts her up, still holding her breast in his hand. He can feel her heart start to calm down. "You're not supposed to do that, remember? No more bleeding, or they'll fill your head with dreamstuff." He kisses her temple gently, tenderly.

"I'll be bad if I get to keep it, 'cause it's mine and mine only and I don't want to be forgotten and Roxas and Sora need it too, only they can't come 'cause I'm here and when they're here I'm somewhere only I don't know where, and I can feel it, it's leaving already…" There are tears tracking down her cheeks, leaving her sticky faced and red eyed. "It only comes back when I can feel the blood beatbeatbeating and it only does that when it gets opened up all special like."

Axel gets up, slowly, and carries her to the bed. He closes the door, closes the blinds, and sits her down in his lap, cuddling her to him like a stuffed toy. She needs this, he reasons. She needs to be cuddled, to be held. She's starving for touch, starving for any kind of affection - her parents put her in here, when something important inside of her mind snapped like a dry twig. That's what he tells himself, although a little part of his mind knows that all he wants is to hold her close and fuck her brainless.

"Yours is missing." Xion's voice sounds startled. "It's beatbeatbeating but it isn't there because it belongs to someone else." She presses her hand against his chest, his nipple under her palm. "You're a nobody broken and gone like me, only you're only one and I'm three except sometimes I'm only one, but the one isn't always this one, but still a one." She's still babbling, the blood on her wrists getting on his shirt.

He takes her wrist and carefully reaches into the his pocket, taking out an alcohol swab. With great delicacy, he wipes her clean, disinfecting the cuts. He holds her close even as she thrashes and wails, glad it's such a cheap hospital, with nobody running towards them to investigate the noise. So he carefully cleans her cuts, making sure to cover every inch. "This is what happens when you do that, baby. It hurts." He presses a tender kiss to her temple and begins on the next arm. "If you want to hurt, then you're going to hurt." He carefully, oh-so-carefully, gets out the bandages and wraps them around and around Xion's arms. "There we go… all clean."

Xion stares down at her newly wrapped arms with horror. "But… butbutbut, if it's gone then it's gone and I can't feel it and I _need _to feel it because I'm not a person without t and I need to be a person because a person is a person is a person except when they're three people and I'm three people except when I'm not three people 'cause I'm one person, and I need to feel it beatbeatbeating or else I don't know which person I am." She is trying to claw at her wrists, but she can't, because Axel is holding on too tightly.

Axel rocks her, pressing a kiss to her temple now and again. "You're a good girl, Xion. You're one person. You're Xion, and you've got a heart, just like me." He presses his hand to her breast, squeezing it gently and feeling the flutter of it against his palm, even as he feels the nub of her nipple against his palm.

"I'm not always a girl." Xion presses her hand against his chest, feeling the scratchy fabric of his scrub top. "Except when I am. And it's not really there. It's an illusion, the man with the book put it there like he put the spiders in the walls."

"You mean Doctor Ienzo?" Axel absently fiddles with the ties of her hospital gown, tugging the knot loose.

"Nono, he just _pretends _to be Doctor Ienzo, because he's really Zexion whose covered in shadows and secrets." She lets him. "See, it's gone now. Gonegonegone, to be eaten by the shadows, unless I call it back and it only comes to it's name and it's name is blood and it has to come to blood." She lets him untie another knot. "You gotta call three times, 'cause three is a magic number and it has to answer to magic 'cause it makes magic and we gotta answer to them as make us or else they unmake us and then we're nowhere and nothing and nobody."

"Mhm," Axel agrees, and unties the last knot. "But I don't think you're nobody. I think you're Xion. And Xion has a heart." He begins to slide her hospital gown down, over and off her arms and down onto the rumpled bedding. She doesn't have a bra (with those tiny breasts, she doesn't really need one), and her underwear is standard hospital issue, white and green. "So, sweet baby girl, how do you know when your heart is still there?" He strokes along one pale leg, gently moving her onto her back.

"'cause I can feel it beatbeatbeating, or 'cause I can hear it beatbeatbeating." She strokes his face with her hands, now sprawled out on her back. She thumbs his nearly invisible eyebrows. "See, when the shadows come off the walls I know it's there 'cause it goes all thudthudthud in my chest and when the doctors listen it comes back and when I bleed it's there 'cause it's proof but the rest of the time I can't feel it and since I can't feel it isn't there, except when it isn't me feeling it."

"You can't feel it any other time?" Axel straddles her legs, resting all of his weight on his own knees, which are pressed against hers. He presses a gentle kiss against her forehead, his hands resting on her pale, pudgy belly.

"When I hurt, I feel it beatbeatbeating, but the doctor's won't let me hurt and I don't want the special coat again or the dreamfogsleep in needles, and that takes it away forever and ever, and that's even worse." She gives a shuddering sigh when his hand goes over her breast, tugging the nipple between two fingers. "When I thump, it throbs and I feel it go beatbeatbeat, until it stops."

"There are other ways to feel it," Axel says, moving his long, lean body down to nuzzle her collarbone.

"Like how?" Xion is skeptical, even as she threads her fingers through his hair, which is already starting to escape the ponytail he shoved it in earlier.

"Do you ever masturbate, Xion?" Axel plants a kiss in the space between her breasts, then moves to her left nipple, beginning to suck on it.

Xion whimpers and shudders against him, her hands yanking at his hair. "Hot 'n wet 'n pulling and…." She gasps. "I can feel it! Doitdoitdoit, I can feel it and it's there beatbeatbeating!"

Axel smiles lazily, biting her nipple gently. "Do you like that, baby girl?" He kneads at her belly with his warm fingers, licking at her nipple.

"It's beatbeatbeating, here…" Xion reaches down between her legs to press where she's starting to get wet. "See?" She grabs his hand, pressing it there. "Can you feel it? She stares at him, her big blue eyes full of awe. "You brought it back! How'd you do that?" She sits up, pressing her hand against his chest. "Yours is back, too!"

"Is it?" Axel nudges her knees open, hooking his fingers in the waistband and tugging her underwear down and off, leaving her in her socks. "You wanna _really _feel my heart?"

"Yes! One heart is stronger when it has another, that's why I've got three instead of one only it makes it weaker when it's three at once on one and I thought we'd be one with three hearts and not three with one heart, 'cause now I feel it getting weaker and…" She gasps, because Axel has leaned forward and down to lap at her, tasting her and jabbing his tongue right where she can feel her heart beatbeatbeating, a thick Morse code message that's telling her that yesyesyes, you're alive you're real, you're not nobody, you're a somebody and you've got a heart, because you can feel it throbbing between your legs like a little heartbeat.

"Mhm," Axel agrees, taking her clit in his mouth and sucking on it, his tongue flickering over it and humming to make his mouth buzz. He jabs the tip of his tongue against her clit and kneads at her pale thighs with his huge hands. She doesn't taste wonderful - she doesn't get bathed often enough, and she isn't allowed by herself, because they worry about her finding sharps or trying to hang herself - but at least she tastes like girl, and Axel appreciates that taste. Especially in madwomen. They have a special taste, a taste of desperation and yammering voices and confusion, and it tastes like sweet, sweet nectar to him.

Xion thrashes under him like a fish on a dock, her legs thrashing out on either side of him, her babbling stripped of words, although the noises she's making make her sound like she's having a conversation. Her voice rises in pitch or drops, even though she's just moaning and whimpering, although a word seems to slip in now and again. "Nono, there there, like that…." She thrusts her hips up to meet his skillful tongue, her hands tangling in his hair and her knees over his shoulders, her ankles pressed together. She doesn't give any warning when she comes, just wails, shuddering and shaking before going still.

Axel slithers up on top of her to kiss her on the mouth, letting her taste herself. "How was that, baby girl?" He asks, his voice crooning and soft. "Do you believe me now?"

"It's there but it'll be gone soon, gonegonegone and I'll be nobody again and I can't be a nobody because all that happens to nobodies is they go out…." Xion starts to tear at her arms again, but Axel stops her, his hands going to her wrists.

"Don't do that, baby girl," he repeats, and kisses her on the forehead. "I don't want to have to get the dreamstuff from the head nurse." He holds her wrists down with one hand, the other going to his scrub pants. "You want another heart, right?"

"Two is stronger then one," Xion says, squirming and trying to get her arms free. "But you don't have your heart because it's missing, so it'll just be my heart working for four not three and it can't take much more or it'll collapse and that'll be badbabad…."

"No, see, my heart works fine." Axel lets go of her wrists, taking her hand and pressing it against his erection. "Can you feel it?"

Xion cautiously squeezes, her fingers shaking. "It's beatbeatbeating, I can feel your heart but it isn't whole, something is missing, something important is gone and it may be gone forever, how did it happen?"

"I gave my heart to someone," Axel says quietly, and squeezes her hand, making her squeeze his cock. "But that's just a figure of speech, baby girl. My heart is still there, or else I'd be dead." He moans at the feel of her little fingers squeezing him. "You're such a good girl, Xion, and you've got a working heart, 'cause I can feel it." He kisses her on the nose. "And I'm going to prove to you that we've both got working hearts."

"How?" Xion lets him push her back, so that's she sprawled out again, her legs akimbo. She's still warm and wet and sticky between her legs, and she can still feel the start of a burn at the base of skull and the knot at the root of her belly. It feels _good_, with the feeling of her heart thumpthumpthumping in her chest and between her legs, warm and constant and so very real.

"Two hearts," Axel breathes, positioning himself between her legs. "Two hearts are stronger then one."

Xion stares up at him, her hands going to his shoulders, squeezes them through the worn fabric of his shirt. "But I've got one heart and you've got half a heart so that won't be two hearts, it'll be one and a half hearts and that's almost as bad as no heart 'cause one heart and a half just makes it weaker, see? 'cause one heart holds up the other bit of one, and it doesn't work."

"Mhm," Axel agrees, not really listening. He reaches between them, guiding himself inside of her, then pushes in, one long stroke.

Xion whimpers, pressing her face into his neck. She grips down on him, her bare toes curling and her heels digging into his lower back. "There," she mumbles, breathing in his heavy scent of cigarettes and antiseptic, clenching down on him trying to cling with all four limbs. "It beatbeatbeats, both of them, and I feel it and you feel it because you're there and we've both only got bits of a heart but if we combine them we get one, only it's a broken one 'cause… ah!" She twitches around him when he does something that brushes something inside of her that makes her see little bright lights, her heart pounding away inside of her chest and between her legs, feeling the throbbing pulse of his heart pushing into her.

"Such a good girl," Axel croons, rocking his hips and holding her wrists with both hands, pressing them down into the mattress. He nuzzles and licks along her neck, tasting her sweaty antiseptic skin and nibbling, gently, feeling her pulse under his tongue. "See, Xion? You're alive. I can feel your heart."

"'s'here, 'cause you're here," Xion mumbles, trying to press him closer with her legs, rocking and thrusting against him. "My heart knows your heart now and 'cause it knows it comes back 'cause it wants to be with someone it knows and ooh, that…" She jerks against him, whimpering.

"It's always there," Axel says, taking one of her hands and pressing it against her breast. "Feel it?" He can feel himself getting close - she's tight, virgin tight, and she's soft and smells sweet, and he can feel her throbbing around his cock, so maybe it'll prove to her that she does indeed have a heart. "Feel it beating?"

Xion doesn't answer him, just digs her fingernails into his back and tries to meet each of his thrusts, whimpering and whining and feeling the slow climb. Her legs are starting to get sore, and she's got the urge to pickpickpick at her scabs, but that would be bad, because then Axel would stop and then she'd be filled with dreamstuff, that makes her mind nothing but fog and her dreams full of shadows. She's done this before, but not when she was Xion. She did it when she was Roxas, only she has different parts when she's Roxas. Sora is all sweet innocence, so she's never done that before, but Xion? Xion's too weird, and sometimes in her dreams she'll be doing this, only not with Axel. She'll be doing it with her otherselves, which always confuses everyone involved.

"I'm so close, Xion," Axel whispers in her ear, suckling it gently. He keeps her hand pressed against her breast, his other one holding tightly to her wrist. "It's right where it belongs, keeping you alive and strong and…" He loses the next sentence, because something inside of her squeezes him, tight, and he loses it, way before he intended to, coming deep inside of her. He'd pull out, because he doesn't want her to get pregnant, but she's so italicshot/italics and tight and it's over almost as soon as it starts, and he's slumped on top of her, panting wildly.

Xion is staring up at him with a puzzled expression. "Your heart got strong," she says, starting to slowly untangle her legs from around him. "And you gave a piece to me, only it turned to water…." She shudders, feeling his fingers reach between them. "Nonono!"

Axel looks down, startled. "No?"

"I can feel, see? Beatbeatbeat in my belly and there, and I need that 'cause it shows my heart is there and don't take it away, pleasepleaseplease?" She's sobbing, now.

"Don't worry, I won't," Axel says, and pulls out in a gush of fluid, wiping himself off on her hospital gown and tucking himself back into his pants. This is the first time a girl's begged him to leave her hanging, but he lives to please. More or less. "Now, you have to promise me, no more picking at your scabs." He takes her hand, squeezing her fingers. "Promise?"

"Promisepromisepromise," Xion says solemnly, sitting up. She doesn't seem to notice the fluid leaking between her legs, or the stains on her sheets. "You'll give it back, right?"

'Of course I will, baby girl." Axel kisses her on the forehead and begins to retie her hospital gown. When the orderlies come around, they'll think she was masturbating, and he can put on his embarrassed face and admit to walking in on it. If they notice the semen…. Well, there aren't many perks to this job. That's one of the few. "I'll come back soon." He tucks her in tenderly, brushing her sweaty hair out of her face to kiss her on the forehead again. "Sleep now, alright?"

"Okay," Xion mumbles, curling onto her side and tucking her hand between her legs where she can feel the pulse beatbeatbeating. It's a comforting feeling, even if her belly feels all twitchy-tight and tingly. She can feel her blood racing through her veins, feel her heart pounding in her ribs, and she knows there is nothing more comforting then that feeling. With a soft sigh and another shudder, she closes her eyes in an attempt to drift off to sleep.

Axel strokes her back for a few moments, then makes his way out. He douses the lights, then, as an afterthought, places a nice, sharp pair of scissors under her pillow. After all, he wants to keep his baby girl happy, right? With that happy thought in mind, he carefully shuts the door, heading towards the nurses station. Axel is going to be _such _a good doctor, when he passes his exams. And he just knows that Xion will always be his favorite patient.


End file.
